Like Water for Sake
by MatsuMama
Summary: The entire roster of Gotei 13 characters go drinking in the Real World. Can Matsumoto pair them off with the perfect drink? EVERYONE is in this. Drunken shenanigans abound! Knowledge of bar drinks a must! Bottoms up!


_A/N:_

_HAHAHAHAHAHA- another plot bunny!! Hu3long2, I would hate you if your bunnies didn't turn out such awesome crack... XD_

_For those of you who want real updates on my ongoing fics, blame hu3long2. She keeps distracting me..._

_WARNING! The following is just ludicrous. And if you don't know the drinks, I suggest googling them, as the fic is vastly funnier when you know what everyone is paired with... XD_

_Enjoy the madness!! There's a few little plugs in there for some of my favorite ffnet buddies too...let's see if they spot them... XD_

* * *

"Matsumoto, this has got to be the dumbest idea you've ever had." Hitsugaya grumbled.

The buxom beauty at his side gasped in horror. "Taicho, you are so _mean_!! My honor has been called into question, and I demand satisfaction!!" She pouted, annoyingly pretty. "Honestly, you should be standing up for me at a time like this, with my name being impugned..."

Ignoring her rather poetic choice of words, Hitsugaya glared heatedly at his vice. "This is hardly a matter of honor, idiot! Why can't you just let go of these hare-brained..." At the suddenly serious look in gray-blue eyes, Hitsugaya ground his teeth and bit off the rest, knowing in some deep part of his brain that he was going to lose this argument. As he so often did with his fukutaicho, when it came to matters she considered important.

Sure enough, Matsumoto wore an intractable look on her face. "Hey, it's not _my_ fault no one believes that the real world has better drinks than Soul Society!! I have to _show_ them!!" Her tone turned towards wheedling as she crossed her arms beneath her breasts, knowing exactly what effect it would have on her little captain. Hell, on _any_ man within a ten mile radius.

Defeated, Hitsugaya slumped. "Fine," he muttered, disconsolate. "But I refuse to take responsibility for _any_ of this..."

"Oiy! Rangiku-san!!" Though the interior of the Karakura Town bar was dimly lit, various florescent logos gleamed off a bald pate in a myriad colors. Ikkaku roared again. "What the hell is this!? The names are all weird..." Face screwed tight in concentration, Madarame looked like he would much rather slice the menu to ribbons than read it.

"I'll order for everyone!!" Rangiku screeched happily. Within the blink of an eye, she threw herself at the bar and leaned licentiously over the counter until she attracted the attention of a bartender. Which took exactly 1.4 seconds, as no less than six eager barkeeps rushed to her aid. Their eyes were all but falling out of their head, which infuriated Hitsugaya, but his vice barely noticed; Rangiku expertly rattled off a number of strange and suggestive phrases that almost had Hitsugaya swallowing his tongue until he realized they must be drink names. Sure enough, the barkeeps scattered like minions, bottles dancing as they assembled the various drinks and cocktails.

Her work done, Rangiku whirled around and watched as her assembled guests finished trickling into the bar. She still couldn't figure out how she had gotten the entire roster of the Gotei 13 captains and vice-captains to follow her into this experiment, but she wasn't about to give up such a heady opportunity. Raising her voice to a volume she reserved only for battle or training drills, she called for attention.

"All right, everybody!! Now, I've ordered a special drink for everyone, but don't be afraid to experiment. Be sure to share and tell me which drink is your favorite!"

"My favorite drink is _sake_." A morose and minutely defiant voice rumbled out from under wide-brimmed hat, earning a vicious glare from the evening's patroness.

"Well, tonight you're getting a Jack and Coke - deal with it!" At the resulting enormous puppy dog-eyes, Matsumoto screwed tight her resolve and refused to be budged. "Shunsui-kun, you can drink sake _any_ day!! Try something else, just this once! For _me_. _Pleeeeese_!?"

A veritable cuteness war ensued; before anyone was seriously overloaded on adorable, Ukitake sighed and poked his friend sharply in the ribs. "Come on Shun; just because were a few millennia old doesn't mean we can't learn something new." Bravely, the slender, white-haired captain addressed the strawberry-blond fukutaicho. "So, Rangiku-san, what do you have for me?"

The smile that lit Matsumoto's face was brilliant. "Vodka Rocks!"

Before Ukitake could do more than frown slightly at the cool, crystal clear liquid in the highball thrust at him, another glass joined it. "Here, take Mr. Pouty-Face's drink too." One glance at the nearly perfect tear Shunsui had managed to summon and Rangiku rolled her eyes. "Come _on_ Shunsui-kun – I picked this drink out especially for you! It's dark, rougish, _very_ sexy…" That earned a slight hint of interest; as Shunsui reluctantly accepted his glass, Matsumoto's face shifted effortlessly into a triumphant grin. "You'll love it, I promise!" She crooned. "If you don't, you can have some sake later…"

Properly mollified, Kyouraku sniffed his drink, frowning for a moment before his face brightened. "And what, may I ask, shall we get my lovely Nanao-chan? Something cold and crisp and _luscious_..." A mischievous grin spread across his face. "And potent enough to make my lovely Nanao-chan eager and willing by the end of the night...?"

"Eager and willing for _what_, you disgusting pervert!?" A sharp rap of fan nearly made Kyouraku lose his drink. "I am _not_ your lovely Nanao-chan," Ise continued icily. "And I am _NOT_ drinking."

Kyouraku looked wounded. "But Nanao-chan, everyone is here to try Matsumoto-kun's drinks! Even the soutaicho came along!! You _must_ try some..."

"Of _course_ she's going to have a drink," Rangiku sniffed dismissively as she shoved a curved, elegant glass at her best friend. "Ise here is going to unbend for once and have a nice chilled Sauvignon Blanc. And if she _doesn't_," Rangiku loudly rode over Ise's attempts to protest. "Then _someone_ is going to tell _someone else_ what _someone_ has been writing in her diary-"

"White wine? Sounds delicious!" Utterly rattled and somehow managing to juggle a scathing glare with a vicious blush, Nanao grabbed her drink and took a delicate sip.

Kyouraku, who had watched the byplay like a thirsty man staring at an oasis, nearly choked. "What has my Nanao-chan been writing about!? _Dirty_ things? Is it about _me_!?" He proceeded to descend into an utterly pathetic onslaught of inquisitive pleadings that had both Nanao and Ukitake throwing identical looks of exasperation at Matsumoto.

"Now he'll _never_ shut up..." Ise grumbled, clutching her glass not unlike the manner in which she wielded her zanpaktou.

Ukitake sighed in commiseration. "Well, at least we can get him drunk enough to pass out..." They proceeded to drag their pink-robed friend off to a nice quiet corner where he could wax poetic about Ukitake's eyebrows and his fukutaicho's thighs.

Hitsugaya, watching the whole thing from his barstool (which he had rather quickly appropriated, as it made him sit taller), dropped his head in his hands and stifled a groan. "There is no way this is going to go well..."

Which, as it turned out, was a matter of interpretation.

Going by the noise generated by happy shinigami, everyone seemed to be having a lovely time as the evening wore on. Matsumoto made sure of it, effortlessly flitting from group to group and making sure everyone was paired with the perfect drink...

The beer drinkers congregated by the bar. Since he was downing his drinks by the pint with no regard to hops or flavor, Oomaeda was consigned to drinking cheap domestic beer on tap because Hitsugaya refused to foot the bill otherwise. Iba commiserated and had the same brew, while Hisagi chewed his way through a Guinness. Oddly enough, Yamamoto had gravitated in that direction and sat with Yoruichi, discussing the benefits of the finely-crafted microbrews of which the former Second captain was something of an expert. Curious, Matsumoto flounced in their direction.

"Hey, I didn't know you would be here!" She screeched happily and engulfed her friend in a mutually big-busted hug. "Drinking with the boys, huh?"

"Naturally," Yoruichi winked. "Kisuke's here too, drinking with the 'girls'..." She nodded in the direction of a table full of Eleventh squad Seats; hidden behind the bulk of Kenpachi, Rangiku could just make out the merest hint of striped green hat. Yoruichi took advantage of the bar noise to lean in and whisper conspiratorially. "Kisuke made Yamamoto-dono promise to let him come in exchange for opening the interworld gate and masking all the concentrated reiatsu on this block."

"So why's Urahara hiding over there?" Matsumoto asked.

"He's not, persay," Yoruichi continued in sotto, a wicked grin spreading across her full lips. "He just can't keep from cracking up whenever Yamamoto gets foam in his beard..."

One glance showed Matsumoto that Genruusai was, indeed, sporting a thick layer of foamy facial hair, and she found herself whirling around to avoid laughing at the most powerful shinigami in Sereitei. Instead, she addressed the slender figure hovering on the other side of Yoruichi. "Ah, Soi Fon! What are you drinking?"

"I'm having whatever Yoruichi-sama is having," muttered the present-tense Second squad captain.

Matsumoto risked an eye roll. "But you _hate_ beer! I ordered you something _way_ better..."

The sudden deathly silence that emanated off the slender captain stopped Rangiku short.

"Whatever Yoruichi-sama drinks is good enough for me!" Hot blue eyes glared.

"Er, uhm...fine. Whatever." Slightly frightened, Matsumoto drifted grumpily off towards the Eleventh table. "And how are my boys doing over here!"

"Terrible, Rangiku-san! Just terrible!" Yumichika fluttered in pretty dismay.

Matsumoto frowned. "What's the matter? Don't you like your Appletini?"

"Oh, it's _divine_. But Ikkaku's drink is just _too_ ugly..."

"At least I have a _real_ man's drink!!" Madarame hollered, slamming his near-empty Four Horsemen go Riding down on the table.

"Impossible," Yumichika snorted, somehow making the gesture elegant. "That would require a _real man_ to drink it..."

"As if _you_ would know a real man, ya _fruitcake_!!" Ikkaku shrieked, raising a meaty fist in lieu of his zanpaktou; they had wisely been forbidden to bring their swords on this particular real-world foray.

"Shutcher mouths, both a yus." Kenpachi rumbled mightily from behind his glass. Rangiku wondered absently if getting Kenpachi soused on ouza was really such a hot idea after all; his grin got more and more bloodthirsty after every round. "Yer gonna wake the brat..." For a moment, they all contemplated the pink little body curled up in the very center of the table, snoring like a ripsaw.

"Did she pass out!?" Matsumoto asked, horrified and bewildered; though she'd sworn her face blue to Yachiru that her Mimosa was alcoholic, she'd made sure the bartenders had included only juice. Even party-girl Rangiku couldn't stomach the idea of getting a toddler drunk.

"Nah." Zaraki downed the rest of his drink in one swoop. "It's just past her bedtime." There was an uncomfortable pause. "She, er...takes her sleep very seriously." Kenpachi looked pained. "Damn kid can sleep anywhere..."

Wisely side-stepping the topic, Rangiku winked at Urahara. "Need another Grasshopper, darlin?"

Kisuke grinned from under his hat and downed the last sip of his pale green, minty drink. "Yep, but I'll go get it myself. You've got plenty of other guests to attend, and I like to stop by the bar once in a while and remind Soi Fon that she doesn't have a chance in hell with Yoruichi..." Another wink, and the pale scientist slipped away.

Stifling a giggle, Rangiku planted her hands on ample hips and surveyed the room. _So many guests, so little time_...

"Aw, lookit you, bein' all attentive an' shit..."

The soft, purring voice sent a shiver down Rangiku's spine and she found herself fighting a small smile. "Well, my taicho has told me in no uncertain terms that this evening is my responsibility, and you know I _never_ throw a bad party..."

Ichimaru took advantage of the dark lighting to press in close behind her, leaning in to chuckle softly into her ear. An arm snaked around her shoulder in a near embrace; Rangiku's eyes widened slightly. Gin must be intoxicated to be so close to her in public. "Ya, you sure manage a decent throw-down..."

Ignoring the innuendo, Rangiku sniffed at the glass held in Gin's hand. "What's this? It's not your favorite drink..."

"Whaddya think it is? Gin, of course..." Without opening his eyes, Ichimaru managed a wink.

Rangiku shook her head, chuckling. "Of course. Everything's a secret with you, isn't it?" Grinning she pulled away from Gin's embrace. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that what you _really_ drink."

"Ah, I'd sure appreciate that, Ran-san." Letting her move away, Gin's smile twisted and grew. "It would be a shame to hafta share a Sloe Comfortable Screw with anyone else..."

"Oiy! Rangiku-san! We gotta problem over here!!"

Shaking off the shivery feeling Gin always gave her, Matsumoto darted in the direction of a disturbance at the front door. "What's going on??"

Ishida Uruuyu shoved slender glasses up his nose. "This orange-haired idiot refuses to come in."

"It's a BAR, Ishida!!" Ichigo hollered. "We're too young; do you want to get _arrested_!?" Behind the enraged substitute shinigami, a nervous Orihime huddled behind a very quiet and stoic Chad.

Rangiku let a musical laugh titter out of her. "Oh don't worry about that, silly - it's been taken care of. I made arrangements." At Ichigo's enraged and disbelieving sputter, Rangiku shrugged dismissively. "How else could I have gotten my little taicho in here? He looks like he's twelve. Hell, even Rukia looks too young..."

"_Rukia's_ in there!?" The young Kurosaki seemed torn between outrage and jealousy. Outrage won. "I _gotta_ see this!!" Completely ignoring that only a second before he was refusing to enter a bar on principle, Ichigo stormed through the door, his underage friends following in his wake.

It only took a moment for golden brown eyes to adjust to the dimness and find his prey. "YOU!?" He shot a finger out at a crowded table in the corner.

Enormous violet eyes widened; Rukia finished sipping at her straw before calmly glaring at Ichigo. "What's gotten into you?"

"YOU!! You- you're-...DRINKING!!" Ichigo appeared to have lost all control of his own voice.

"O' course she is, baka. What else do ya do in a bar?" Renji's tattoos danced crazily in the multi-hued lights of the bar. From the corner seat, Byakuya watched passively with a faint air of amusement.

Ichigo looked like he wished he could draw Zangetsu in frustration. "You can't DRINK, you're too young!!"

In the blink of an eye, Rukia was standing on the table and shoving her own finger at Ichigo's nose. "I am NOT too young – I'm older than your father!!"

"Ehem, not really," Matsumoto muttered under her breath, just loudly enough for Ichigo to hear.

He looked at her, Rukia momentarily forgotten. "Eh? What do you mean, not really?"

"Oh, nothing! Didn't mean a thing!" Rangiku said blithely, glad the distraction worked. "Oops, I see empty glasses – let me get you guys all something!!"

"Us humans are just TEENS, Rangiku-san..." Ichigo trailed off when he realized that the table had acquired some more occupants.

"I'll have a Sex on the Beach," Ishida ordered calmly, sliding into an empty seat next to the Sixth captain.

"Jeagermeister." Chad.

"Me too! Uhm, no wait, make it a...uhm..." Orihime looked adorably confused.

Rangiku patted her on the hand. "I'll get you something unique, kay? Our own special mixture!!" Inoue nodded enthusiastically.

Ichigo finally found his voice. "What are you guys DOING!?" A chair slammed into the back of his legs as Rangiku forced him to sit down.

"They're enjoying themselves, as should _you_." She glared hotly enough that even Ichigo blanched and fell silent, muttering furiously. "Now what do you want?"

"Nothing." Ichigo seethed through clenched teeth.

"Fine, be a teetotaller." Rangiku abruptly got tired of arguing; she had drinks to get. Turning to leave, she glanced at the other shinigami. "I'll get another round for you guys while I'm up there, ok?"

Renji snickered into his empty glass. "Teetotaller...funny word..."

"Shut up," Ichigo groused, glaring at him. Despite his resolve, a glimmer of curiosity emerged. "What are you drinking anyway, asshole?"

"Shots," the vice captain replied proudly. "Dunno what's in 'em, but Rangiku-san called them Little Red Devils..." A delicate sound from the corner brought a flush to Renji's face. Suddenly nervous, he glanced at his captain. "Er, taicho..?"

"I was merely coming to a conclusion, Abarai-fukutaicho," replied the elegant Kuchiki. "I doubt a mongrel such as yourself would have noticed that each of our drinks were chosen to reflect our individual personalities. I would presume that to be the case for everyone present." The rich, noble voice dipped into an almost-respectful murmur. "Matsumoto-fukutaicho is more perceptive than she appears..." Unseen in the dark, Renji blushed deeper.

Ichigo decided the nobleman must have had too much to drink already, if he was volunteering conversation. He had never heard the elder Kuchiki string so many words together in one place. "Oh really?" Intrigued, he glanced at Rukia. "What's your drink, short-stack?"

The jibe went uncharacteristically unnoticed as Rukia blushed faintly. She muttered something into her glass.

"What? I didn't hear you..."

Across the table, Renji started up again, confused. "But that doesn't make sense, tachio. You're drinking a Tequila Sunrise; how does that reflect-?" He choked off at the suddenly flat look in his captain's eyes.

After a long moment, Byakuya spoke softly. "It is aestetically pleasing."

Renji nearly choked on his own airflow. "You're drinking it cuz it's _pretty_!?"

"Hey, shut up! I can't hear Rukia!!" Ichigo growled, annoyed at her consistently inaudible answers.

"Skinny Little Bitch!" Rukia finally shouted. "I'm drinking a Skinny Little Bitch, ok?? It's vodka and Red Bull..." She trailed off, blushing furiously and trying to glare at the same time. "It's yummy..."

A long, dead silence held the table in its grip until the inevitable explosion took place.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Skinny Little- You-!!" Ichigo very nearly did himself an injury laughing, a matter Rukia remedied by doing him a definite injury with her fist in his eye. With a howling born of many sources, Ichigo rolled around on the floor.

"Oiy, Kurosaki-kun! Are you alright!" Orihime couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying; it confused her, so she sought an escape. "Ai, I'll get some ice for your eye!"

As she darted for the bar, a hand reached out and grabbed her. She found herself staring straight into a dark face wearing glasses utterly at odds with the dim bar lighting.

"I was wondering, child, if you would mind asking Rangiku to order us another round of drinks?" Tousen's smooth voice instantly put Inoue at ease, even as she wondered how he had caught her arm blind.

"Er, uh...sure," she stammered helpfully, glancing around the full table of shinigami. So many captains and vice captains in one place made her nervous. "Uhm...what did you all, er...have?'

"Colt 45," Tousen said promptly. "And get Aizen another bottle of tequila – he keeps getting the worm at the bottom, and we never manage to see him do it..." The handsome brunette captain simply smiled behind his glasses and said nothing.

Before Inoue could ask how Tousen could see _anyone_ doing _anything_, Komamura raised a massive fist. "Wild Turkey, rocks."

"Peach shnapps!" piped up an already-tipsy Hinamori. "And Kira-kun will have another White Russian, won't he?" She giggled at Izuru, peeking glumly from behind his single, blonde bang. "It's a good drink for you, Izuru-chan...pale, creamy...with a -hic- dark streak..." She trailed off into helpless, hiccoughy giggles as Kira blushed.

"Uh, ok..." Inoue flustered, unsure. Momo-san didn't look like she needed another drink, but...

Another warm, rich voice soothed away her concern. "I would like fresh chardonnay please, young Inoue-san. And another spritzer for Hanatarou, if you don't mind." Unohana's dark eyes sparkled in amusement. "Do not worry; Isane is preparing plenty of hangover cure, so you needn't concern yourself with the lightweights." Her glance took in the tittering Hinamori as well as Yamada, who was doing little more than leaning his head on his arms and staring dreamily at nothing.

"I must say, the qualities of this absinthe are rather curious. I'll have another glass. Be sure you do not get trampled by the purple elephants on your way back..." Mayuri blinked hard, managing to look more creepy than ever. He glanced around, his eyes rolling crazily. "Where did the elephants go!? They were just here..." He turned insaner-than-usual expression on the helpless human girl. "Did you see them!? Not the ones wearing the boas – the ones with the _spats_..."

Inoue stared at him, confused; she was pretty sure purple elephants didn't exist, and if they did they would not be in a bar. A soft tug at her arm drew her attention.

"I will have another Walking Dead, please." Nemu managed to mix depreciating humility with an apologetic smile. "Please do not pay attention to my father; although he – like me – is genetically altered to be immune to intoxication, it appears he may have underestimated the hallucinogenic properties of the absinthe..."

"Ah...ok," Inoue had no idea what the girl was talking about. Once again unnerved, Orihime slipped away and joined Matsumoto at the bar.

"More drinks!?" Rangiku blew out a sigh. "Taicho is going to kill me when he sees the bill..."

"Oh! Is Toushirou-kun here, too?"

"Of course!" Matsumoto nodded at a small figure huddled on a nearby bar stool. Toshirou's usual grumpy expression was tempered by a certain bleariness, and from time to time his head seemed to nod about . "He's the _worst_ lightweight, so of course he's already snoggered. It's a good thing he's a quiet drunk..."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," grumbled the world's crankiest captain. Hitsugaya turned enormous cyan eyes onto his vice, glaring. "I can hear you jesht fine..." He trailed off, slurring, and took another sip. He tipped, ever so slightly, but his faithful vice captain righted him before he could fall from his perch. It seemed a practiced motion.

"Oooh," Inoue breathed, eyes blinking wide. "What did you give him?'

Matsumoto smirked. "Bailey's. On the rocks of course..." A disturbance from the other side of the bar caught their attention; it looked like Kenpachi had started a drunken shouting-match with his favorite strawberry-haired adversary. "Whoops, here we go. It can only go downhill from here..." Whirling, she let another battle-cry rip across the bar. "Okay everyone, I'm cutting you all off!! Bar tab is closed, from now on you're all on your own cognizance!!"

A loud, hearty protest met that statement, but Rangiku was unmovable. As she gathered the bill, folded the final tally safely out of sight and forced her very unsteady captain to sign for it, another shout bellowed around the bar.

"OIY, Rangiku-san! I never saw what you were drinking!" Shunsui had long-ago resolved himself to his Jack and Cokes, downing them with gusto and even admitting at one point that it was rather tasty. "Don't tell me you of all people didn't take the time to have a drink of your own?!"

"Of course not, silly! I just have the _best_ drink in the world, and I was saving it for last!" The entire assembly of shinigami had hushed and were watching in amusement. With a wink, she cried out saucily. "I'm having Bailey's on Ice."

"No you're not," Hitsugaya argued. "That's what _I_ had..."

"No, _you_ had Bailey's on the rocks." Grinning impishly, she grabbed her little captain and pulled him close. "I'm having Bailey's _on Ice._" Without another word she planted a full-blown french kiss on his frowny lips.

The hooting and hollering that ensued was deafening, but Rangiku had little time to relish her triumph. Before she had chance to fully enjoy herself, she felt her taicho's body slump in her arms; pulling back, she glanced at his slack face for the split second it took to realize he had passed out cold. Whether from drink or humiliation, she couldn't tell. Ignoring the raucous crowd around her, she dutifully gathered Hitsugaya into her arms and flashed them away.

He roused once, halfway through the passageway between worlds.

"Matsu-muddo..." The bleary mumble was barely intelligible as Hitsugaya shifted in her arms; he must have been totally trashed, because he only clutched her in a tighter cuddle. "Wha- happened...didju getcher drink...?"

It was all she could do not to drop him laughing. "Don't worry, taicho...I'll tell you in the morning..."


End file.
